The past couple of weeks have been a real eye opener to my reality! I have said so much. Said too much. And not said enough. I’ve been afraid. I’ve been happy and I’ve been sad. I’ve had my heart twisted into nothing but still it beats. I have wanted to slap people. Punch others in the nose. I’ve wanted to knee a few in the nuts and kick a few in the chest.
These past couple of weeks I have been drained of all hope that I will ever be just me. By just me I mean the happy laughable person that I am best known as. Sometimes I find that crack that allows me to smile but there have been so many things that have happened to me that I have not felt like smiling. I have not felt like hugging. Nor have I felt like speaking any of this out loud. Some may say good for her. I hope she’s miserable but let me just say this, in any way did you contribute to my unhappiness. None of you can take credit to the fact that I don’t have a smile on my face. And if you feel guilty that I do then you should because nine times out of ten you are the reason so there.
I’ve spent the most part of my life trying to make others happy because I felt that everyone should be. Fuck that! I will no longer give a damn about you not smiling or laughing or that your man is cheating and you need to talk or that you are tempted and you need advice! Give it a fucking rest already! Either you fuck up or you don’t! Either you feel good about your deceit or you don’t. I will no longer use my words to cheer up a person that deserves a bit of misery.
So now that I have said just a small part of how I feel right now I do feel a little better.
My next part is to tell actual people how I feel. To let them know if they are being stupid, selfish or just complete an utter asses of themselves.
You may ask where is all this coming from and I will gladly tell you. My heart! Just like I can love you and hold how much I care for you there I can turn around and tell you how much I hope you would grow a pair or open your eyes and see what you should have out of your life. And this would be to male and or female.
I thought that once I could just let everything go and not think about it again. That certain things would not crowd my mind and if I left them alone that they would quietly leave but no, they wont, and there is no need for me to try and conform to make others happy anymore. There is no need for me to laugh when all I want to do is slap you in you damn face for being so goddamn stupid.
I see people being taken advantage of and I see those that don’t care as long as they are given an inkling of attention. I see some that make themselves vulnerable because they want the knight to come and sweep them off their feet and take them to a better place! Why? Why use a person for things you can get yourself? You can buy gifts and items on your own, you can’t buy someone’s love no matter what you think. No matter what you buy him he’s still going to love that other woman that gives her heart no matter the situation. No matter what you tell her she’s going to love the man that shows her. So stop thinking that all you have to do is “this” or “that” and realize that if youre doing so much and it’s never going noticed that its because they never really gave a damn about YOU in the first place!
I did things like this. Thinking that if I did for him that he would do the same in return. Yeah that shit didn’t work. I was even at that stage where I thought I was in love, but I don’t think that was it at all. It was a love but nothing that was going to sustain me to jump that broom so-to-speak. There is more than seeing a person everyday. It’s when you don’t see them that your heart swells for them. That when they are around you notice the little things about them. The quirky grin he gives when he’s thinking about being devilish. The angle she holds her head so you’ll brush her neck with your lips. But most don’t notice these things. Most are thinking about the end game. What the end result will be.
So…….what will it be?
Guess what, I don’t give a damn!
