I thought about how selfish I would be. It’s hard to separate the two you know?-the difference between being selfish and just wanting? And then it hit me, they are not that much different. When you want something you will try your best to get it. You will ignore all the signs as to why you shouldn’t and you will. You will go to the limits and then push them if not a little a lot. It’s sad to say that I am feeling a bit selfish but I cannot help it it’s running through my veins. And it’s not an ice-cold rush but a warm comforting gradual flow through me. I’m despising that I have the feeling but loving the feel of it. Make sense? Not supposed to, this is about me! *laughs*
Anyway I just felt that I should say what I was feeling. This is my blog right? *laughs hard* I needed to get this off of my chest and I’m afraid I still haven’t gotten it all off. Once this blows over and it’s all said and done then I’ll be able to move on and look that the fact that I was a complete and utter fool. *smhl* Not at everything in my life…just this. What is "this" you may ask? Well if I tell you then you’d know and I’m too damn selfish to tell you!
Nikki
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
HA!
Shaking my head not really knowing what to say about what just went down. I don’t know if I’m seeing things or if they actually happened and my mind took a break. I think it did. I plan on taking a breath and laughing at myself because that is what you do when you don’t believe something. Right?
I’m sorry today is talking out of my mind day and I think I need to do just this. Perhaps this will get my head together? I’m highly doubting it but okay.
I think my sanity has taken a left turn into Neverland and did a detour to Wonderland. LOL… Don’t laugh it aint funny. (in my Smokey voice)
I think later on I’ll get a grip on reality. Maybe but as of right now I’m going to laugh about this. And it’s not a stupid laugh it’s just one of surprise.
I’ve got to go but I’ll be back later for more of “As my Brain Hurts” LMAO
Nikki
I’m sorry today is talking out of my mind day and I think I need to do just this. Perhaps this will get my head together? I’m highly doubting it but okay.
I think my sanity has taken a left turn into Neverland and did a detour to Wonderland. LOL… Don’t laugh it aint funny. (in my Smokey voice)
I think later on I’ll get a grip on reality. Maybe but as of right now I’m going to laugh about this. And it’s not a stupid laugh it’s just one of surprise.
I’ve got to go but I’ll be back later for more of “As my Brain Hurts” LMAO
Nikki
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Tired...Aren't You?
I'm tired of people telling me what they would do if they were me. Or what they think I should do.
So sick of others stepping into my life telling me their opinion of which way I should go in my life. It really urks my nerves when people shake their head and say, "That would never happen to me". What the fuck? Who is asking you for any of this advice anyway? Please tell me this! Who is really coming up to you and saying tell me what you think or give me an idea of what I should do.
The "advice friend" is so out-of-date that I get sick of it period. When I ask you for your opinion I'll probably be drunk off my ass and not really meaning to ask anyway. OR I could be just humoring you, letting you speak, not really giving two shits about how you would handle it.
I'm sorry, is this a little harsh? Guess what, I dont give a damn!
Toodles
~Nikki
So sick of others stepping into my life telling me their opinion of which way I should go in my life. It really urks my nerves when people shake their head and say, "That would never happen to me". What the fuck? Who is asking you for any of this advice anyway? Please tell me this! Who is really coming up to you and saying tell me what you think or give me an idea of what I should do.
The "advice friend" is so out-of-date that I get sick of it period. When I ask you for your opinion I'll probably be drunk off my ass and not really meaning to ask anyway. OR I could be just humoring you, letting you speak, not really giving two shits about how you would handle it.
I'm sorry, is this a little harsh? Guess what, I dont give a damn!
Toodles
~Nikki
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
i'm just sayin
The past couple of weeks have been a real eye opener to my reality! I have said so much. Said too much. And not said enough. I’ve been afraid. I’ve been happy and I’ve been sad. I’ve had my heart twisted into nothing but still it beats. I have wanted to slap people. Punch others in the nose. I’ve wanted to knee a few in the nuts and kick a few in the chest.
These past couple of weeks I have been drained of all hope that I will ever be just me. By just me I mean the happy laughable person that I am best known as. Sometimes I find that crack that allows me to smile but there have been so many things that have happened to me that I have not felt like smiling. I have not felt like hugging. Nor have I felt like speaking any of this out loud. Some may say good for her. I hope she’s miserable but let me just say this, in any way did you contribute to my unhappiness. None of you can take credit to the fact that I don’t have a smile on my face. And if you feel guilty that I do then you should because nine times out of ten you are the reason so there.
I’ve spent the most part of my life trying to make others happy because I felt that everyone should be. Fuck that! I will no longer give a damn about you not smiling or laughing or that your man is cheating and you need to talk or that you are tempted and you need advice! Give it a fucking rest already! Either you fuck up or you don’t! Either you feel good about your deceit or you don’t. I will no longer use my words to cheer up a person that deserves a bit of misery.
So now that I have said just a small part of how I feel right now I do feel a little better.
My next part is to tell actual people how I feel. To let them know if they are being stupid, selfish or just complete an utter asses of themselves.
You may ask where is all this coming from and I will gladly tell you. My heart! Just like I can love you and hold how much I care for you there I can turn around and tell you how much I hope you would grow a pair or open your eyes and see what you should have out of your life. And this would be to male and or female.
I thought that once I could just let everything go and not think about it again. That certain things would not crowd my mind and if I left them alone that they would quietly leave but no, they wont, and there is no need for me to try and conform to make others happy anymore. There is no need for me to laugh when all I want to do is slap you in you damn face for being so goddamn stupid.
I see people being taken advantage of and I see those that don’t care as long as they are given an inkling of attention. I see some that make themselves vulnerable because they want the knight to come and sweep them off their feet and take them to a better place! Why? Why use a person for things you can get yourself? You can buy gifts and items on your own, you can’t buy someone’s love no matter what you think. No matter what you buy him he’s still going to love that other woman that gives her heart no matter the situation. No matter what you tell her she’s going to love the man that shows her. So stop thinking that all you have to do is “this” or “that” and realize that if youre doing so much and it’s never going noticed that its because they never really gave a damn about YOU in the first place!
I did things like this. Thinking that if I did for him that he would do the same in return. Yeah that shit didn’t work. I was even at that stage where I thought I was in love, but I don’t think that was it at all. It was a love but nothing that was going to sustain me to jump that broom so-to-speak. There is more than seeing a person everyday. It’s when you don’t see them that your heart swells for them. That when they are around you notice the little things about them. The quirky grin he gives when he’s thinking about being devilish. The angle she holds her head so you’ll brush her neck with your lips. But most don’t notice these things. Most are thinking about the end game. What the end result will be.
So…….what will it be?
Guess what, I don’t give a damn!
These past couple of weeks I have been drained of all hope that I will ever be just me. By just me I mean the happy laughable person that I am best known as. Sometimes I find that crack that allows me to smile but there have been so many things that have happened to me that I have not felt like smiling. I have not felt like hugging. Nor have I felt like speaking any of this out loud. Some may say good for her. I hope she’s miserable but let me just say this, in any way did you contribute to my unhappiness. None of you can take credit to the fact that I don’t have a smile on my face. And if you feel guilty that I do then you should because nine times out of ten you are the reason so there.
I’ve spent the most part of my life trying to make others happy because I felt that everyone should be. Fuck that! I will no longer give a damn about you not smiling or laughing or that your man is cheating and you need to talk or that you are tempted and you need advice! Give it a fucking rest already! Either you fuck up or you don’t! Either you feel good about your deceit or you don’t. I will no longer use my words to cheer up a person that deserves a bit of misery.
So now that I have said just a small part of how I feel right now I do feel a little better.
My next part is to tell actual people how I feel. To let them know if they are being stupid, selfish or just complete an utter asses of themselves.
You may ask where is all this coming from and I will gladly tell you. My heart! Just like I can love you and hold how much I care for you there I can turn around and tell you how much I hope you would grow a pair or open your eyes and see what you should have out of your life. And this would be to male and or female.
I thought that once I could just let everything go and not think about it again. That certain things would not crowd my mind and if I left them alone that they would quietly leave but no, they wont, and there is no need for me to try and conform to make others happy anymore. There is no need for me to laugh when all I want to do is slap you in you damn face for being so goddamn stupid.
I see people being taken advantage of and I see those that don’t care as long as they are given an inkling of attention. I see some that make themselves vulnerable because they want the knight to come and sweep them off their feet and take them to a better place! Why? Why use a person for things you can get yourself? You can buy gifts and items on your own, you can’t buy someone’s love no matter what you think. No matter what you buy him he’s still going to love that other woman that gives her heart no matter the situation. No matter what you tell her she’s going to love the man that shows her. So stop thinking that all you have to do is “this” or “that” and realize that if youre doing so much and it’s never going noticed that its because they never really gave a damn about YOU in the first place!
I did things like this. Thinking that if I did for him that he would do the same in return. Yeah that shit didn’t work. I was even at that stage where I thought I was in love, but I don’t think that was it at all. It was a love but nothing that was going to sustain me to jump that broom so-to-speak. There is more than seeing a person everyday. It’s when you don’t see them that your heart swells for them. That when they are around you notice the little things about them. The quirky grin he gives when he’s thinking about being devilish. The angle she holds her head so you’ll brush her neck with your lips. But most don’t notice these things. Most are thinking about the end game. What the end result will be.
So…….what will it be?
Guess what, I don’t give a damn!
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