I am currently writing a book that has completely turned me into a maniac. When you write about love and pain, you usually write part of your experiences within the story right? Not me, I’m writing how I would have loved my love life to have went.
Falling in love? Why is it called “falling in love”? I have wondered that for so long. I think falling in love is when you finally realize you’re in love and if that is true then what is it called when you don’t love that person anymore? How can you fall any further than you’ve already fallen, which is in love?
What is it called when love is no longer in the picture?
I am going to be honest because for one, I don’t want to lie about this even though it may be painful to talk about. And for two, because this is my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want to say.
I can say that in my 30 years of living I have only loved (the opposite sex) twice.
In primary it was a boy that was totally out of reach. That was puppy love so it actually does not count. I got my first true boyfriend in high school and ruined it because his friend asked me for my number. Yeah, I was dumb then too. Ended up with my now 14 year old daughter that I love to death.
But I found my first true love in college. He was a truly loving man that would have been a great catch for any woman. I thought he was that one for me, but I just couldn’t be what and who he wanted or better yet needed. I don’t love to drink, but I like to drink at times. He was the type that didn’t drink and didn’t care to go out much. UNLESS, I was going out also. I never cared for the stuffy, always around kind of guy. Now don’t get me wrong I did care for him deeply, I even had to voice myself a few times about other females but in the end he was not for me. He was not the one I was growing up to love. I did appreciate the way he treated me. He was never rude towards me and he always respected me even when I was being a total bitch, but again, he didn’t get me. I am a very loud, laughing, quick-to-crack-a-joke kind of girl. I was not what he needed and he was not what I needed. I loved him though. My family loved him. My mother adored him. But it did not last. And even though we are no longer friends I still wish him the best.
I had to think about how I would know if I were truly and irrevocably in love. It took me a while to think about it. To fully see what traits I had to find within me and them to say that I was in love. It was hard. I mean very very strenuous for me. I had to bang my head up against a wall and after I was dizzy from the hits to my medulla I heard the “ding” go off. Oh, you know that “ding”, the one that says “you got it. You finally got it.” Yeah, I found it. I figured out how I know love when I had it.
True love is without judgment. It never looks away when you’re at your worse. It embraces you when even your arms can’t hold you tight enough. The warmth it radiates down to the coldest part of your center. You know you have love when you know in your heart that you can’t live without it. When that person is away from you for even a day and you can’t help but wonder how they are doing. Are they okay? Are they as happy doing whatever as you are? Are they thinking of you just as much as you are thinking of them? Love does not have a limit. Love is in fact truly infinite.
Now don’t mistake love for idiocy. I did and it’s not pretty. You do the most dumb things for what you think love is. You buy things. You accept things you put up with mistreatment of who you are and so on and so on. This is not love, it’s just loneliness and you’ll do anything to have someone with you. Including disrespecting yourself. I did it, and I’ll admit to my stupidity. It’s one thing to know you were wrong in your choices but when you know and continue to let them happen then you’re just pathetic. I know a few people like this. I know a few that think they are so smart at allowing their men to walk all over them. *shakes head* I have nothing to say on that one.
But I do know love. NOW, I do know love. I know how to love. I was taught to love me first. And however in loving me I learned to treat my man in that same token. Give him the love that I hold only for him. Allow him to see that when it all comes down he is the one that I need by my side. I have discovered some things in this year. I found out that when you are not searching for love it will come to you easily. That if you were truly meant to be a part of someone’s life in that way then you will be. Nothing will keep you apart from them. Love is a word, yes, but the affects and emotions given behind that word is what makes it the most powerful. And you can say, “Well, she must be in love to write about this”. And perhaps I am but I was in lust once and I know about that also. It’s nothing to lust after someone, but to feel more for that person, to understand that when they are sad you are also? It’s totally different. It’s new, and you’ll guard it with your heart.
I close in saying love is within each person’s heart. It’s the choice inside of us that we allow that love to grow or to rot into a festering evil. I refuse. I refuse to allow my heart to be tainted by evil, hurt and or pain. I will continue to learn and grow for me and for whoever I’m suppose to love.
Can you say at this point in your life that you know love?
-Nikki
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