Am I Selfish?

I’m not selfish am I? If I am I don’t mean to be. I just think that somewhere sometime and at some point in my life I should actually get what I want. Is that really too much? I don’t want to be this way but I’m tired of thinking of everyone else and I always become the one looked over.


I always give my attention to those that need it. I make sure that they have my ear when they speak, my eyes when they write or my arms if they need embracing. I don’t know why I’m so in tune to others when they hurt or when they are going through things. I wonder then if those that I listen to and comfort would do the same for me? I wonder if ever they heard my voice or read my words know that I needed their attention. Would they feel a piercing pain in their chest of the hurt that I feel?

I don’t think I’ve ever found anyone that really gets what I’m saying. They don’t see where I’m coming from because they are not in my shoes. They might have been where I’ve been but they have not stood in the place that I stand.

I’ve listened to people in love and not know what to do. I’ve listened to people wanting to just throw it all away because of one idea. They were willing to give it all up because of just an idea. I know lovers that are so afraid of being alone they neglect to tell the other that the lover they desire is not them!

I mean come on!

Can I get one man that will take me and make me see that he is the one? That will be aggressive with me in showing me how much he loves me as well as how good of a lover he is for me? No, I don’t want a jealous man, but I know that we as women do want a man to show that we are theirs! Not a possession but an important part of his life. Because I’ll say now I’m going to show it! I’m going to show it in my smile and how red my face gets when he calls me, writes me, holds me and even makes love to me. Oh, I will show it because it was shown towards me. I want passion is that too much to ask? I don’t think so because if I can show it to him then he can show it to me.

Anyway, this is what I’m saying , I don’t think there are any out there that actually hear me! I do have one friend that has been listening and she and I have been going through a few of the same scenarios, and I thank her so much! But it still amazes me that we have to cut through the bullshit to get to that one that was meant for us!

I have never put my love life before my family! I’ve always been here for them and I will never put them aside but damn can I at least find someone that enjoys me? That will understand my love for writing? That will say hey, I read some of your stuff and I loved it can you write something for me? Yeah, that’ll never happen. But I can wish right? *laughs* I sound pathetic huh? NOPE! I sound REAL! As real as every other woman out there who feels what I feel they just haven’t said it! Or they have and no one listened. Well, I understand! I get you.

*kisses and hugs*

Love you,
Nikki