i'm just sayin

The past couple of weeks have been a real eye opener to my reality! I have said so much. Said too much. And not said enough. I’ve been afraid. I’ve been happy and I’ve been sad. I’ve had my heart twisted into nothing but still it beats. I have wanted to slap people. Punch others in the nose. I’ve wanted to knee a few in the nuts and kick a few in the chest.


These past couple of weeks I have been drained of all hope that I will ever be just me. By just me I mean the happy laughable person that I am best known as. Sometimes I find that crack that allows me to smile but there have been so many things that have happened to me that I have not felt like smiling. I have not felt like hugging. Nor have I felt like speaking any of this out loud. Some may say good for her. I hope she’s miserable but let me just say this, in any way did you contribute to my unhappiness. None of you can take credit to the fact that I don’t have a smile on my face. And if you feel guilty that I do then you should because nine times out of ten you are the reason so there.

I’ve spent the most part of my life trying to make others happy because I felt that everyone should be. Fuck that! I will no longer give a damn about you not smiling or laughing or that your man is cheating and you need to talk or that you are tempted and you need advice! Give it a fucking rest already! Either you fuck up or you don’t! Either you feel good about your deceit or you don’t. I will no longer use my words to cheer up a person that deserves a bit of misery.

So now that I have said just a small part of how I feel right now I do feel a little better.

My next part is to tell actual people how I feel. To let them know if they are being stupid, selfish or just complete an utter asses of themselves.

You may ask where is all this coming from and I will gladly tell you. My heart! Just like I can love you and hold how much I care for you there I can turn around and tell you how much I hope you would grow a pair or open your eyes and see what you should have out of your life. And this would be to male and or female.

I thought that once I could just let everything go and not think about it again. That certain things would not crowd my mind and if I left them alone that they would quietly leave but no, they wont, and there is no need for me to try and conform to make others happy anymore. There is no need for me to laugh when all I want to do is slap you in you damn face for being so goddamn stupid.

I see people being taken advantage of and I see those that don’t care as long as they are given an inkling of attention. I see some that make themselves vulnerable because they want the knight to come and sweep them off their feet and take them to a better place! Why? Why use a person for things you can get yourself? You can buy gifts and items on your own, you can’t buy someone’s love no matter what you think. No matter what you buy him he’s still going to love that other woman that gives her heart no matter the situation. No matter what you tell her she’s going to love the man that shows her. So stop thinking that all you have to do is “this” or “that” and realize that if youre doing so much and it’s never going noticed that its because they never really gave a damn about YOU in the first place!

I did things like this. Thinking that if I did for him that he would do the same in return. Yeah that shit didn’t work. I was even at that stage where I thought I was in love, but I don’t think that was it at all. It was a love but nothing that was going to sustain me to jump that broom so-to-speak. There is more than seeing a person everyday. It’s when you don’t see them that your heart swells for them. That when they are around you notice the little things about them. The quirky grin he gives when he’s thinking about being devilish. The angle she holds her head so you’ll brush her neck with your lips. But most don’t notice these things. Most are thinking about the end game. What the end result will be.

So…….what will it be?

Guess what, I don’t give a damn!

In the Ring.

Make what you say and what you do count!

Never settle.
Never gracefully bow out!
Meet your problem blow for blow.
Let it know that you will not go down easily.
That you will fight.
And even if you in the end lose you did fight
You became a witness to your own future.
You allowed yourself to take control of what you want.

~Nikki Frierson

Ever Thought About It?

Ever took the time to just wonder? You know, just think about all that you are and all that you have yet to become? Have you taken the time to actually see yourself? Not looking into a mirror at your reflection, but to SEE yourself? To see what kind of man or woman you have become? That when you look back you did what you thought was right in every detail of who you are. Every note written. Every word uttered. Every person kissed. Every minute that ticked away was part of what you are now? It’s only right that you look into yourself and find that core of you. To cut through all the bullshit and drama and realize you are who you are for a reson. Your purpose on this earth at this time is to do more than you are doing now.

I’ve become aggravated with who I am because I realize that who I am is not who I want to be. I want to tell family and friends when they are complete and just out right assholes of this world. I want to tell someone in a department store that “hell no, that is not a good look on you.” I want to sit down in front of someone and have no barriers in what I have to say. It becomes part of us to hold back how we feel and what we want. And in doing that we’re holding back part of us.

Life is about living and if you don’t live now you wont ever. There are no do-overs. No re-dos in this! You can't die and then come back and say “Oh, well I did that last time, let’s try it this way this time.” Yeah, no, that is not how it goes. So if you don’t do it now while you have it on your mind then STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! Let the thought go and go on about your life. Don’t regret not doing it, just move on!

Today, I am going to take my own advice. I’m going to move on. I’m not going to dwell on what ifs and shoulda coulda wouldas. It’s not going to benefit me any. Besides its better this way. I just felt that I needed to say that. I needed to put that out there into the universe and say my piece. Why not right? *laughs*



Love you all.

Nikki

Just in Case....

If you never stand in front of me I can still say that I’ve seen you

If I never hear your voice I can say that I’ve listened to you
If I never hold you close I can say that you’re near
When it’s all said and done I can say that I witnessed something special
I saw you
I heard you
And I felt you
I cherished what I did have
What we did share
So, If ever you were wondering did I care
This should tell you that with all that I am I will…always


Nikki Frierson

Am I Selfish?

I’m not selfish am I? If I am I don’t mean to be. I just think that somewhere sometime and at some point in my life I should actually get what I want. Is that really too much? I don’t want to be this way but I’m tired of thinking of everyone else and I always become the one looked over.


I always give my attention to those that need it. I make sure that they have my ear when they speak, my eyes when they write or my arms if they need embracing. I don’t know why I’m so in tune to others when they hurt or when they are going through things. I wonder then if those that I listen to and comfort would do the same for me? I wonder if ever they heard my voice or read my words know that I needed their attention. Would they feel a piercing pain in their chest of the hurt that I feel?

I don’t think I’ve ever found anyone that really gets what I’m saying. They don’t see where I’m coming from because they are not in my shoes. They might have been where I’ve been but they have not stood in the place that I stand.

I’ve listened to people in love and not know what to do. I’ve listened to people wanting to just throw it all away because of one idea. They were willing to give it all up because of just an idea. I know lovers that are so afraid of being alone they neglect to tell the other that the lover they desire is not them!

I mean come on!

Can I get one man that will take me and make me see that he is the one? That will be aggressive with me in showing me how much he loves me as well as how good of a lover he is for me? No, I don’t want a jealous man, but I know that we as women do want a man to show that we are theirs! Not a possession but an important part of his life. Because I’ll say now I’m going to show it! I’m going to show it in my smile and how red my face gets when he calls me, writes me, holds me and even makes love to me. Oh, I will show it because it was shown towards me. I want passion is that too much to ask? I don’t think so because if I can show it to him then he can show it to me.

Anyway, this is what I’m saying , I don’t think there are any out there that actually hear me! I do have one friend that has been listening and she and I have been going through a few of the same scenarios, and I thank her so much! But it still amazes me that we have to cut through the bullshit to get to that one that was meant for us!

I have never put my love life before my family! I’ve always been here for them and I will never put them aside but damn can I at least find someone that enjoys me? That will understand my love for writing? That will say hey, I read some of your stuff and I loved it can you write something for me? Yeah, that’ll never happen. But I can wish right? *laughs* I sound pathetic huh? NOPE! I sound REAL! As real as every other woman out there who feels what I feel they just haven’t said it! Or they have and no one listened. Well, I understand! I get you.

*kisses and hugs*

Love you,
Nikki

Miguel featuring J.Cole - All I Want Is You ft. J.Cole

I love this song. So I decided instead of posting an entry that I would post this video. Thank you guys and have a great Friday!

Just Me

The things that I hear. The things that I read, I get pissed. My face becomes red and my hands begin to shake. I don’t know what to do or say because I’m at a loss for words. No, I take that back I know what I want to say but I don’t, some things are better left unsaid. They would make the situation more complicated and me more furious than I had been previously. But I’m me. I’m the one that has a good head on her shoulders. I have the answer even if no one wants it. Even if they ask for it. I’m very careful in how and what I say. Sometimes you can break someone’s heart and not even know it. You can stop a person’s breath even when you see their chest moving to a staedy pace. I want to be a good friend and I want to say what’s in my head but I don’t. I don’t tell them straight forward. I normally reword it and it allows them to see what I’m saying without me actually saying it. I can’t say that I have not ever put my Jordan in my mouth before but I do think before saying. And sometimes if it’s said then it was meant for me to say it.


I had been going through some things for a while and lately they have been heavy on my mind. I realized early this morning that I am who I am for a reason. The decisions I make are made for a reason. I help those that ask me for a reason. I am a friend. I am a true friend for a reason. I make no apologies for what I say because I know that if I don’t say it then I’ll be doing a disservice to my friend. If I don’t give them what they ask for, and that is my point of view, then I’m selling THEM short, not me. I can’t have that, I must be honest with them. I may lose friends but with every one that I lose two will takes its place. Not that I want so many but true and honest friends are hard to come by.

Love you friends. And I always will.


Nikki