HE WAS NOT OF ME

I saw them in the store

Their eyes

Their smile

The way they bit their nail contemplating their choice of whether to get Froot Loops or Cheerios

Right down to the angle of their nose when sheer joy ran over their face

Then it hit me

They look just like you

The sound of their small voice resonated the same tone

Their eyebrows furrowed over their bright chocolates just like yours

Even that quirky little stare that you give when you’re deep in thought was theirs

I noticed she noticed me looking at them

I meant no offense I was just shocked in place

She approached me and asked me my problem

I simply said “no problem. None whatsoever. Your son is so beautiful.”

With that she smiled, thanks me and went back to him

I would have walked away

I would have never gave it a second thought

That was till she said his name

The same as yours

That was your son

The young boy that had to have been at least four

My mind began to race

It began to calculate dates and times

Moments where you were gone

Days when you had ‘something’ to do

I felt my heart stop as he chuckled

He laughed your laugh

He laughed the laugh that our child was supposed to have

He had the features that I wanted our son to have

You took that from me

As they walked away I saw what you had not created with me

You decided on your own that we together were not worthy of that

That I was not worth even creating something as precious as your child

I saw him

You can’t deny that he’s not yours

There is nothing you can say that will justify why and how he was conceived and born within the time of our marriage

But I can say this

I forgive you

I forgive you for your ignorance

I forgive you for your stupidity

But I will not forget

I will not forget your cold-heartedness

I will not forget your face when I told you

That I went because I felt different

That I speculated but wanted to be sure

I will not forget how I wanted to bring you a joy I thought no one else would

But that was done wasn’t it

You had experienced that with someone else and it was not with me

So it’s over

I’m leaving

And I’m taking the fact that on that day I found out I was pregnant

That on that day I had planned to make you dinner and tell you

That all because I had forgotten something I had to go back

And because I wanted to make your heart whole on that day you make my heart break

THE SHARED WORDS OF A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER

You held me when I needed you, as I did for you
When I was unable to do for myself you were there, as I was there for you
When my words were not so clear you spoke for me, as I proudly spoke for you
You made decisions for me when I could not, and I humbly made decisions for you
As time passed I understood you more than you'd ever know
Your personality meshed with mine and we were of the same cloth
You protected me when I was in harms way, and when needed I did the same for you
We shared so much
Still we share so much
The love that only a mother can give to her daughter
And the love only a daughter can give to her mother
But today
This day
We share something that maybe small to others but to us is so much bigger
On this day, the seventh day of the ninth month we share the words
Happy Birthday my lovely daughter
Happy Birthday my beautiful mother, I will always love you



This poem is dedicated to Ms. Casandra Hardee and her mother Ms. Blondie L. Hardee, who although is not with her physcially is always with her spiritually and mentally.

There is no relationship like the one between a mother and daughter. A mother teaches her daughter to be great woman. To show no fear when faced with the problems of the world. To know how to give her weight to the Lord and let him handle it. She also gives her that little bit of attitude when needed but not too much. "Respect yourself first" is what they say to you.

A daughter takes the teachings she's learned and instills them in her children creating a never ending cycle of her legacy. Each one taking a piece of who she was, no, of who she is, and building from that foundation. A relationship this precious should never be taken lightly. Never be taken for granted.

I wish Ms. Sandy and even though I never had the pleasure, her mother, a Happy Birthday.


Nikki Frierson

I FOUND IT...

Dear, 

I thought that what we had was special. I was sure that we were going to go further with this. That you and I would be making plans together. That after we made it through this we would finally see the finish line. I don't blame you and I don't blame myself, but I do wish that it would not have ended the way that it did. I didn't mean to make you mad and storm from the house. I was so stubborn that I didn't follow you out the door and make you finish having your say but I thought you were coming back. I knew in my heart that you were going to turn around, come back and say that you were wrong and I was right, but you didn't. You didn't come back. Sweetheart you left me that day I know you had every intent to return and after we had calmed down we would hold each other and apologize for every word we said to hurt one another.

But you didn't return. I waited for you the entire night and figured you needed more time than usual. When the phone rang I assumed it was you saying that you were on your way home. That you had called to say that no matter what you loved me. That no matter the subject you would always return home. But it wasn't you. It was a stranger. A woman on the other line. Her voice was calm when she spoke her piece. As i fell to my knees I felt my heart break. The air abandoned my body and I was left gasping. Ciutching the phone I listened to every word.

I listened as she explained what she had done and how no matter how much she tried you left her too. Once she was finished I left the phone on the floor and curled into a ball. I held myself like I knew you would. I tried to think of the things that you would have said to soothe my pain but it wasnt the same. It would never be the same. Will never be the same.

Just think sweetheart, if only we had not argued you would have been here with me. But that day you got into your car you had no idea that there would be another car headed towards you. You never thought that you would ever see me again. We thought that it would be the same as always. You'd leave and come back calm. We'd say we were sorry and hold each other. Not this time. This time you left and didn't come back. Now I'm here in this bed with pillows behind me and our son in my arms crying. They said that the accident was not your fault. That the oncoming car was in the wrong lane and to not hit them you hit a tree instead. My heart aches every time I pass it and we placed a marker there with your name on it. 

You will always hold my heart like no other. Your love was, no is like no other. I pray that you and I will see each other again, but for now all I can do is go on raising our son and letting him know that his father was a great man. Full of strength, laughter and love. I know these things because you showed me everyday that we were together. 

I want you to know that after you left me that day I had found your ring. It was on the floor beside the nightstand. The same nightstand you said you had paced it on the night before.

I DREAMED OF YOU

Did I ever tell you that I dreamed of you.
You were gentle
Your voice was low and rough
I held you in my arms
The heat from you warmed me to my core
I heard your heart
The beat was a song that I'd never heard before
I caught your scent
You smelled of funnel cakes and cinnamon
I saw your smile
The sun had nothing on it
You touched my thoughts
You became part of my way of living
I saw the good in you
Something that I'd never seen before

I thought sure I told you I dreamed of you.
No?
Well, now you know.
You now know that no one has ever gotten to me the way you have
That no one can has ever had the pleasure of being inside my head
You know now that you have a hold on me that no one else can say they ever had
And you should also know that that same hold does not come without rules

You are to always share your heart with me
Continue to use that voice I love so much
To warm me with the heat that flows so freely from you to me
You are to let me listen to that strong song that your heart plays every night
Allow me to try and taste that sweet cinnamon that permeates from you
You are to light my way with that smile when darkness threatens to shadow us
To enter my mind whenever or whenever needed
But most of all you are to show me the good that is within
Show me what makes you you

So there
I've told you about my dream
My dream of you

Now if I could only see your face.

©Nikki Frierson, 2010

WE CAN DO IF THE OTHER IS WILLING.

Okay, I know it's not just me that thinks when your man treats you right and gives you the respect you deserve that there is basically nothing you would not do for him. And if you're reading this throwing your nose up at it then I know for a fact that YOU'RE guilty of doing just that.

You may ask what got me thinking of this right? Well I was listening to Destiny's Child's "Cater to U" and realized that I'd do those things for my man if he was worthy. And it does not take money or cars to gain that kind of worthiness.

Baby I See You Working Hard

I Want To Let You Know I'm Proud,

Let You Know That I Admire What You Do

The More If I Need To Reassure You,

My Life Would Be Purposeless Without You (Yeah)

If I Want It (Got It)

When I Ask You (You Provide It)

You Inspire Me To Be Better

You Challenge Me For The Better

Sit Back And Let Me Pour Out My Love Letter

Now, the first verse of this song says it all. He works hard so be proud of him. It's not wrong to admire your man if he's doing what he can to keep you guys happy. So in turn do something that will make him smile. And trust me, you dont have to go out and buy something big for a man for him to feel appreciated. The things they list: brushing his hair, a massage, cook him dinner (something he loves to eat). And hell, hand him the remote and let him go crazy. But if you're like me (not), you'd grab the X-Box, PS3, or Wii controller and join in playing the game with him. And after you've beat him then you must give him a BIG hug for being such a good sport after his loss. (LOL)What? There are us females that love to play video games just as much as the guys. You are his best friend, sometimes you have to do things that best friends do and not just couples. Be his friend. Allow him to be yours. But those are just some of the things that not only make  him smile but show him that he has someone at home that appreciates him. Someone that will stick beside him when shit gets tough. That they wont just run out at the first sign of turmoil. Because sometimes your man maybe going through something that he feels like he cant talk about. You have to let him know that you're not only there for when he laughs but also when his light is not at it's brightest. Men don't understand that there are some women that want to help them through bad times as well as being there for the good. Those women are called "Ride or Die Chicks." They are a rare breed but they do exist. They will stand by, if not try to take the front, when their man (or partner) needs them.

Now I know what the ladies are thinking "Well what about them supporting us?" I know that they should support us also. And there are those "R.O.D. Men" also. There are those that will knock a person out with a left hook and wake them up with the right for his woman. So don't think this topic is about bashing the female specimen it's not. It's about equality. I think that we as women have become so offended by the bull that men have done to us in the past that we don't think that the current man (after the asshole) deserves to be pampered the same as we should. I used to think that way. I used to think if I'm going to give him a massage then hell, he should be getting his hands ready to give me one right after. Tit for tat. But it's not always about what you get out of every situation. We women are strong, determined and unflinching when it comes to protecting ourselves and our children. We think that since the man is the "man" then he should not be offended or anything we say and do should not affect them. That's where we are wrong. Men have a very different way of acting out their hurt.

When men are hurt by their woman they retaliate by going out and finding another woman during their sulking. After you've scarred their ego they have to go out and find someone to soothe the offense we used. And in some cases, which should not happen but so, they will react by hitting the woman. That settles nothing, but again, it's what happens. Women are now found beating on their men. Rare but it is happening and neither are right. My point is you don't know how it really hurts them when you say something to hurt them. Its the same pain and feeling of uselessness as if they'd have said it to you. And there is that saying "Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Yeah right! They hurt, as a matter of fact they hurt worse than if your partner had hit you.

I've changed a great deal I think when it comes to how I should treat the next man in my life. I used to always think the worse of each guy because of what the previous guy had done. But I was only hurting the potential that the next man had. I'm at a point in my life where I've become more comfortable with not just writing my words down but now voicing them. It says a lot about who I now am as a person. As a potential partner. As a woman.

This is not a rant it was merely a small entry about a never ending topic. Men and women should treat each other with equal respect. And there should be times when the other should think of something to do that will make the other smile. Just let them see that they are on your mind cause to be honest with you the entire time I was writing this I thought of Allen. =) He is my friend and I appreciate him being around at this point in my life. He's my STINKY. And only he knows what that means.

So, in closing, love him, love her. LOVE EACH OTHER.

©Nikki Frierson, 2010

MAKING IT WORK

Be sure to tell them how you feel at all times.

Never claim to know everything because nine times out of ten you don't know they are about to leave you

Always prepare yourself for the best and not the worse

Maintain a positive attitude and things will go smoother than you anticipated

Make time for yourself as well as them. It just keeps you balanced within that balance of you and them

Be honest no matter what

Don't put yourself in that situation which will hurt them because it happens more than ever

And always ALWAYS make sure that your heart is beating.

©Nikki Frierson, 2010

SAME PLACE

You left me here but I have not moved
I remained where you last saw me
Where you thought you had to disrespect me in order to feel good about yourself
I laugh now at it but at that time I was pissed
You did your shit and thought it was cool
Where is the cool in fucking every female you saw and ending up hurting us both
How fucking cool was it when I coudn't have a relationship with another because of bullshit you pulled
Now I was so wound up that if a guy tried to get close I'd either push him away or take a step back.
But I thank you
I thank you for doing what you did because I learned a great deal
I learned to trust myself more and never allow anyone to manipulate me ever again
But you left me here and though I have not moved I have grown in ways you couldn't have imagined


©Nikki Frierson, 2010