HE WAS NOT OF ME

I saw them in the store

Their eyes

Their smile

The way they bit their nail contemplating their choice of whether to get Froot Loops or Cheerios

Right down to the angle of their nose when sheer joy ran over their face

Then it hit me

They look just like you

The sound of their small voice resonated the same tone

Their eyebrows furrowed over their bright chocolates just like yours

Even that quirky little stare that you give when you’re deep in thought was theirs

I noticed she noticed me looking at them

I meant no offense I was just shocked in place

She approached me and asked me my problem

I simply said “no problem. None whatsoever. Your son is so beautiful.”

With that she smiled, thanks me and went back to him

I would have walked away

I would have never gave it a second thought

That was till she said his name

The same as yours

That was your son

The young boy that had to have been at least four

My mind began to race

It began to calculate dates and times

Moments where you were gone

Days when you had ‘something’ to do

I felt my heart stop as he chuckled

He laughed your laugh

He laughed the laugh that our child was supposed to have

He had the features that I wanted our son to have

You took that from me

As they walked away I saw what you had not created with me

You decided on your own that we together were not worthy of that

That I was not worth even creating something as precious as your child

I saw him

You can’t deny that he’s not yours

There is nothing you can say that will justify why and how he was conceived and born within the time of our marriage

But I can say this

I forgive you

I forgive you for your ignorance

I forgive you for your stupidity

But I will not forget

I will not forget your cold-heartedness

I will not forget your face when I told you

That I went because I felt different

That I speculated but wanted to be sure

I will not forget how I wanted to bring you a joy I thought no one else would

But that was done wasn’t it

You had experienced that with someone else and it was not with me

So it’s over

I’m leaving

And I’m taking the fact that on that day I found out I was pregnant

That on that day I had planned to make you dinner and tell you

That all because I had forgotten something I had to go back

And because I wanted to make your heart whole on that day you make my heart break